Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
