Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
