you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
