Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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