You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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