she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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