my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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