apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
