I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
