I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
