I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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