He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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