Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
