What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So much rum. So many feels.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
