Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
