You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
