He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
