Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
