my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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