Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
