I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
