apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
