remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
