so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
