U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
