I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
