my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
