I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
