i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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