just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
