remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
