So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
