I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Randomize
