You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
