Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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