I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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