woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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