Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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