i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
