Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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