so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
