Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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