did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
