How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
