I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
