True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
