Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
