R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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