I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
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Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
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I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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