Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
