I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
