Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
