I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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