I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
