Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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