the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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