ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Randomize
