Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
