Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
