How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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